I just want to enjoy it

I have been filled with a number of emotions since I realized that I was going to be a mother. I've been excited, scared, nervous, anxious and worried. Would I be a good mother? What will they look like? How is my life going to change? How can I get my hustle back in my to get on my grind to be the mother and wombman I know I can be. I mean this is who I am but I've been in pain. I wake up some mornings and can't function. My body is hurting, my bones are mush, it takes everything in me just to get to the bathroom. It feels like the most excruciating pain in the world and yet I try to push through. I think I've lost my job which means I'm going to lose my benefits unless I pay out of my pocket and I've been depressed. I don't want this. I want to be happy. I want to talk to my babies and tell them everything is going to be alright. I want them to feel the love I have for them through me but right now at this moment it feels like the world is saying nope this is going to be hard on you. I wonder what I did in my life to warrant this. Is there some bad energy I've put out in the world that has made these things happen? I'm not really sure but here I am. Getting bigger, and stressing more as the days linger on.
I just want to enjoy my pregnancy. I want to gush when people talk about my babies. I want to discuss nursery plans. I don't want to be worried about am I going to lose my home, my job, my insurance because this society places more value on your value and not your efforts or the person behind it all. I've noticed that animals are treated more humanely than humans are and that sickens me. Since when has it become common and "normal" for pregnant women to say I'm in pain or I'm hurting or I'm not physically well and everyone shrugs and says oh well that's just pregnancy.

These callous and cavalier feelings have left me to feel very disoriented and thinking some things that aren't in my nature about where I am in my life. I thought children were suppose to be a "blessing". I thought pregnancy was a time to calm the mother and make her feel serene. I've gotten nothing but chaos and confusion and it frightens me. Is this where we are in this world. That we treat children and pregnant women like burdens that need to just get over whatever it is they are experiencing. Have we come to a point where life isn't important but the value of that life is? That we have to sacrifice being a mother and the health of ourselves and our children to make the almighty dollar because hey no one told you to have children!?

Words to grow on