The Serenity of Morning

I am never more amazed at the wonders of life. I'm now five months in and can feel my seed and bean and let me tell you they are active. They are my balance, as I can feel one of them in my abdomen and the other right underneath my heart. It's amazing but I keep hearing Lauryn Hill sing nothing even matters because well it doesn't.

You know when you realize that motherhood is here you change. This change takes place at different stages for different wombmen but for me I think it's happened multiple times so far. I felt like a mother the moment I realized I was pregnant; I felt like a mother the first ultrasound, the first heart beat and now that I can feel life moving around in me it's like you have a different raspect a different approach to everything you thought you had planned for yourself.

I want so much for them. I read to them, and sing to them, they are my poetry audience and we listen to every type of music from Miles Davis Bitch's Brew (shout to Auntie/JahMother Earth CrySiS) to The Eagles In the City. Yesterday I was on a Stevie Wonder mood and then all of a sudden Les Nubians started singing to my heart and so we went there. And they started moving and fluttering and I knew then my babies were going to love the arts as much as I do.

Although everyone has their predictions as to what they are all different combos of boy/girl , girls, boys their health has been the only thing that has mattered to me and I've taken that and run with it. I am taking back my joy. I even listened to Anita Baker's you bring me joy LOL. I know that I'm a good sistar, friend, queen, person and mother and well I've placed nothing but positive in the UnI-verse so I know that comes back. You know how people say you feel love for your children when you don't even know them well that is so true and I vow to do everything in my life forever for them. I live love and laugh for my children, my Seed and Bean.

Mama (Yeyo)loves you

Often we spend too much time on things that aren’t of great importance

We spend InnaG and give powah to those that don’t deserve or merit and inkling of our spirits

Picture this the argument you had last week, last month last year

Festers in your being and eats away at your flesh and you can’t even remember what you were angry about

But life goes on and never stops

Birth, transitions, growth, rebirth, journey, labor, work, life, love, laughter, pain

While you sit and wallow in your bitter existence the hour goes on

The love keeps growing,

Children keep playing

Granny keeps laughing

Someone moves forward

And you are hindered by your need to hold on to the things that don’t matter any more to any one but your foolish pride

But what do you have to be proud of

Winning the argument

Conquering an enemy

What did you gain

What did you lose

Was the lost worth the battle

Search your soul and ova stand that your presence on this earth in this form is limited

Though the cycle continues you only get one chance at it this time

Then your return with a new mission so get it right

Or else you have nothing left

But bitterness and regret

Words you never got to say

Hugs you never received

Life you didn’t live

All to prove a point of your strong convictions

I say stand on your square

But kneel down and acknowledge the living around you

Because I don’t know who told youBut you don’t have time

To put it off

Or wait till later

To procrastinate on your progression

To delay on your succession

To put off those things meant to be done in the present

And correct the mistakes of your past

Once you’re older you put away childish things so there are no do-overs

No re-runs in life

This regularly schedule programming is live and in full color and you better take advantage

Because you can’t T-vo the birth of your child

You can’t rewind the transition of a comrade

Your can not be grown if you’re not willing to grow

You will be reborn into an endless journey headed no where

Where the work produces no fruits for your labor

Absence of love and laughter and the abundance of pain and anguish

This will be your life’s existence

When it all boils down it’s a matter of reflection

Self-evaluation

Acceptance of error and righting of wrongs

I say to you

If you hold on to anger and frustration will it all be worth it to miss out on living

Burst through the walls of captivity placed on yourself with bottled up fury

And antagonizing annoyances killing you from the inside out

Otherwise you’re dead any way

So rest easy ! ~Empress

I just want to enjoy it

I have been filled with a number of emotions since I realized that I was going to be a mother. I've been excited, scared, nervous, anxious and worried. Would I be a good mother? What will they look like? How is my life going to change? How can I get my hustle back in my to get on my grind to be the mother and wombman I know I can be. I mean this is who I am but I've been in pain. I wake up some mornings and can't function. My body is hurting, my bones are mush, it takes everything in me just to get to the bathroom. It feels like the most excruciating pain in the world and yet I try to push through. I think I've lost my job which means I'm going to lose my benefits unless I pay out of my pocket and I've been depressed. I don't want this. I want to be happy. I want to talk to my babies and tell them everything is going to be alright. I want them to feel the love I have for them through me but right now at this moment it feels like the world is saying nope this is going to be hard on you. I wonder what I did in my life to warrant this. Is there some bad energy I've put out in the world that has made these things happen? I'm not really sure but here I am. Getting bigger, and stressing more as the days linger on.
I just want to enjoy my pregnancy. I want to gush when people talk about my babies. I want to discuss nursery plans. I don't want to be worried about am I going to lose my home, my job, my insurance because this society places more value on your value and not your efforts or the person behind it all. I've noticed that animals are treated more humanely than humans are and that sickens me. Since when has it become common and "normal" for pregnant women to say I'm in pain or I'm hurting or I'm not physically well and everyone shrugs and says oh well that's just pregnancy.

These callous and cavalier feelings have left me to feel very disoriented and thinking some things that aren't in my nature about where I am in my life. I thought children were suppose to be a "blessing". I thought pregnancy was a time to calm the mother and make her feel serene. I've gotten nothing but chaos and confusion and it frightens me. Is this where we are in this world. That we treat children and pregnant women like burdens that need to just get over whatever it is they are experiencing. Have we come to a point where life isn't important but the value of that life is? That we have to sacrifice being a mother and the health of ourselves and our children to make the almighty dollar because hey no one told you to have children!?

Words to grow on